I HATE WORRYING ABOUT MONEY!

Merry Christmas

this years been pretty good to, well maybe not good but certainly eventful enough thats it'd the end of the year and i havent realised. this time last year i was driving to germany with Tom. this last year has been one of the best and worst of my life, ive had the best times, and made horrible mistakes.

exams
stress
dumped
new boy, new heartache
more new boys
big mistake
no friends
summer
friends again
shining days
new school
new friends
old friends
heartache
rejection
new boys, new eye candy
texting
beginning to fall in love
complications
new boyfriend
fallen hard
frist hurdle
brillaint brillaint boy
possible love
so kind
money troubles
worrying



Heres to life <3








merry Christmas angel boy

Suri :D

I really didn't expect him, Suri just turned up and everything changed.
For the better i hope.
He's a honestly nice guy, he make my heart squeeze just by looking at me is his own little retradedly cute way.
We went up to Birmingham this weekend, ofc Suri only just made it to the coach station in time, photo finish Laurence said :)
we couldn't sit together but we were texting and playing thumb wars <3 got to Bham and met up with Ellie and wondered up to the German market,
had riberkuechen.(yummy fried potato)
Got a taxi to Al's house got some ciders and cotched playing Assains Creed.
brilliant night.
he lives so far away that you dont wanna waste a second and this weekend i dont think we did, so many cuddles and just him being there was pretty magic im not gunna lie.
Saturday family food and drink fest, at which Laurence was hugged pretty good by my aunty Kay and Suri's hair was plated by The Don (my gran).
but all in all it was a pretty cotch day lots of food and wine was consumed, whihc made family relations easier.
watched V for Vendetta with Laurence and Suri in bed :)
chugged an energy drink, we stayed up talked and cuddled and just spent so much time just lying there being silently happy.
we listened to his iPod on the way home found i few things that make me happy.

listen to this

he's got me smiling :D

<3

45 hours could've lasted a week or it could have been a flap of a humming birds wings.

YAY

we're together :D
<3

This whole thing sucks.

My gran's boyfriend died.
He was a really lovely man kind and really caring little spanish man who would take my gran out dancing and found realy old bad jokes and tell them to me when i was little.
he had altzheimer, so could remember a lot the women he loved and house he lives in and how to look after him self. its really sad its a massive shame.

My cousins boyfriend attacked her tried to kill her and she got a away unhurt well phsyically shes fine but apprently its been goin on a while and shes been putting up it.
he seem prefectly normal took her out for dinner, told her she look pretty and held her hand when she wasn't doing to well but now hes an attempted murder.

people really do change, my mum went from being super women, really enough work for 2 jobs, keep our house clean looks after me and my step dad. she lost her step dad well practically and i love David a lot he is my 3rd parent it would hurt so much if he were to die, for my mums sake i dont wanna even think about it.

grief is a funny thing:
1.deep or intense sorrow or distress, esp at the death of someone
2. something that causes keen distress or suffering
3. Informal trouble or annoyance

i dunno anymmore

and i accept it im falling for him
:D only high light of my week

eeek:S

latly i've been tired, life been a little more crappy and harder than it really needs to be.

my mum is wearing really thin, she been working so hard and i really suck as a daughter shes really awesome, wonderful.

i love driving so much but its so hard and is making me really stressy.

i might just be falling for him. it could be a possiblity maybe...

Long Time No See..

i tend not to write if i dont have anything to write about.
but i think i don now, Redland its really good everyone really nice but you know whats its like, we're all still in that akaward phase but it like it.
my lesson are really good, cept psychology i know everything they are teaching because of my gcse.
personaly im a mess, the gut i like refuses to tell/show me how he feels. and another guy who i could like, he lovely hot and right has a girlfriend which sucks but heyho
i'm tired of being single its just not as much fun as i remember it being before.
i miss the safety of it.
i'd like a boyfriend who went Redland, just to have someone to sit with and cheer me up when the rest of the school is going around in the perfect topshop look.
it really isn't me not at all really.
going back to my pathetic love life, that the thing its not really a 'love life' its a sex life ATM which isnt cool but i csnt make myself fall for anyone but him, i dont think id'd want to be with anyone but him. He's so amazing it's really hard just to be around him, he dazzles me. <3

'I'm just a notch in your bed post, but your just a line in a song'


I wish i could have been more, waited longer and made it work.


maybe i'll get a birthday wish ;)



but i probs wont, he just not there anymore. he lives in his head, which would be a brilliant place to spend the lonely hours and the long nights.


i've had people to my mums house which was nice just me laurence tom jess and ngaio lovely and small, nice food stupid telly and warm hugs it was a sucess i belive they're all sleeping now up stairs in my room. i love them so very very much. i lol at jesse( i love you babe but you were so funny with your over reactions) but they are your bitches and she messed with them ;) thats another thing i though it had only me who had used my bedroom for private usage ;) but i have just found out 2 certain someone saw fit to do things in my bedroom. im really not amused but that.....(yeah you know who you aare :P)

still if we were all getting what we wanted i think we'd al be a lot happier. more maybe i'm being selfish, i kinda ruined it before when he wanted more but my heart wasn't quite there after being broken, i might have screwed it up back then and now im just making myself look ridiculous pinning for a bloke who really doesn't seem all that interested.

I really hope he is.... please

Oliver

i love crushes :)

i feel like a yr7 giggle with her friends at the school hottie but im not im just very happy to have ment a really great guy. it's the type of thing the consumes all your thoughts, makes you smile and keeps you warm at night (and trust me it was fucking cold).

he was far to old and good looking but everyone enjoys flattery. he must have thought me a silly teen. but he was brilliant at everything cept guessing ages, but im not complaining. nothing happened but it wasn't nothing. in the small hours, in the woods. but alas his height was a problem him being 6,5 we would have never worked out :P

sad times, happy time and brilliant weekend

yay!

happiness :)
friends :)
romance :)
sunshine :)
boys :)
girls :)
shambala :)
family :)
drink :)
photographs :)
Jesse :)
Tom :)
Kai :)
Ngaio :)
Bessie :)
Charly :)
Ben :)
Will :)
love :)
GCES's :(
6th form :(
family :(
friends :(
loneliness :(
leaving :(
being left :(

i had the best night, a really nice night, i didnt feel unwelcome like he wanted me to leave. it was good to have my friend back.

i messed up things with me and kai. apparently he wanted more at the pierces moment when i was a little confused about how i felt, i really liked him..i really like him, i keep forgetting that he's a lovely guy but on my way home from tom i walk past his house and every time i wanna pop by and say hi. im happy that i got a little something
with him but i regret let that go :( i wish he was around more.

im really lonely not for love but for company, sitting at home is getting a bit boring but i've kinda resigned myself to the rest of the summer being the same but it sucks.

i went from feeling like my brain is melting from stress to literally doing nothing.

im almost looking forard to go to 6th form meeting new people and being under pressure and having people around, new people im not quite sure how thats gunna go hopefully well. i used to be really good at making friends every campsite i used to come home with a new best friend. but lately my friend hope has become rather smaller; which is fine but this summer was suppose to be the best and so far it kinda sucking.

the camping trip was brilliant really good fun and no bitching. after that i was off to spain and 3 weeks later and im home again. apart from laurence and bessie i havent seen my friends at all which sucks, i really dont want next year for all of us to go off to next year and fall apart.

i have a piece of paper taped to my wall saying what i thhought i'd get: mostly A's and B's which at the time seemed realistic but noe when the nerves are setting in i really think i might have been aiming a bit to high. if i don't get my result my mum will be really sad and blame herself, which im not really sure i could stand and next year she wouldn't never get off my case so i really hope that i do well.

i'm learning the highway code ATM which is fun i cant wait to learn how to drive. my grandma has given me her little bright yellow 1 liter Citroen saxo. i tiny little thing that about 15 years old but she only drive it to marks and spencers food shop every week so it should run pretty good.
the insurance for me on my dads name and only 3rd party insurance is soo much money that i might not be able to drive this year. but just in case i've started saving money for petrol XD im gunna having to get myself a job to pay for the petrol. or i could just be a taxi for you lovely people at mates rates of course but i dunno maybe babysitting or not sure yet. any ideas about where i could get a job please let me know.

i've also decided to not take photography because at the induction day they made it sound very pretentious so i'm taking classic's which should be good i was going to take it before but then my choices changed when i told my mum i could possible take a science at A level i'm far to thick for that.
i really hope i can motivate myself next year to work OFC i wanna have a good time and not waste my last 2 years of no responsibility partying but i dont want theese to year to restrict my future.

i'm over tom, he's brilliant and great but i'm not still in love with him or anything like that. but im staying in the room in Germany where i stayed with him and last night i went to the restaurant i went to with him. i done a lot in bristol so not everything reminds me of him but this flat reminds me of him, and us and everything.

i invited ben but he had other things to do, i could get hold of bessie so i couldnt invite her and ngaios in candia so im here alone.

im soo far from home, really bad timing to get sad

Spain :)

it was gorgeous lovely but very lonely.
our villa was in the middle of nowhere. at night everything was quite you could here someone drop something in the next valley. the only thing to do was sit by the pool and read. or think.
i did a lot of thinking this holiday, i was so far away from the problems i have at home.

it always seems easier to fix problems from far away, then you get home and your faced with decision painful decisions. and more heartache and arguments and more silence than you get in a massive Vally filled with silence.

i was going to stop just give it up, do what best for my heart and my feeling but that just not going to happen now.

well i might i hope i can stay away from the bad things, bad people and bad dreams.






Spain was amazing but it's not home, here's not home either.

A little spark of proud.

i haven't done much lately that i'm proud of but i'm a little proud.

life sucks and then you die, quite possibly true the way things have been going lately but i think things are on the up :) im heading off to Spain which i'm so looking forward to. my plan is to get away and to get some perspective on my situation. maybe try and grow up a little and put on my big girl pants face and see if i can get what i want...

I'll let you know how that goes.

relative ages

we would all like to think we're grown up,
because that would mean people treating us as adults, no one like being talked down to, treated like they cant look after them selves or that they are to young to have an opinion.
for years i was different, pertending to be younger to fit in with you lovely people, i do enjoy being childish but it never cam naturally, i never had a inclining to run around town screaming and laughing.
which make having fun quite hard.
children have the most fun, because they do what they love because they love doing it.
I've always thought myself to be in my 20's.
but that was before...
I've said for the last for years that people should be living their teenage years not worrying about them that does no one any good.
i think I've started to act my age.
16 and stupid.
in a few years everyone will be living by themselves with loans to repay and other things to worry about.
for the last 12 years in my case all I've done i go to school and see my friends.
thats my whole world, except a few old friends and babysitting.
what else do we do ?
nest year the only people who care where we are will be our parents and they're easily fooled or they just don't want to know.
soon people will be excepting more of us.
getting a job moving out going to uni being adults.
so please don't take life to seriously.
at the moment everything hurt my heart my head and my conscience.
in 5 years hopefully they wont be hurting or at least wont be hurting for the same reasons.
hopefully it'll be a new boy who broke my heart.
hopefully I'll be hungover from a different weekend long bender.
hopefully i wont do anything to hurt a friend again.

remember skins ... the 5 years game, where will you be ??






HOPEFULLY AWAY FROM SADNESS MEANNESS AND HEARTACHE

Sad Times

i thought this was over....

I love the sunshine; i feels like someones stroking your face with beautiful feathers.

my escape route

Nature or Nurture ?

where do you guys stand. i think it's nurture but if you look at my and my lovely cousin Alastair we're exactly the same, we both have a habit of fucking things up but because we generally are nice people( coz I'm not big headed at all :P) we work and we try to make up for the things we've done well i do, i don't like speaking for people. is it weird that my idol is very like me? god that sounds self obsessed :S the best part of him is the best part in me too. and the worse part of me is in him too.

i used to think that my friends we're my family, mainly because i was a bratty child who got in a huff when me and my mum argued. i relied on my friends for the unconditional love, which i always try and give to everyone that need it because maybe they don't get love from where they need it from. someone caring even if your not that close can sometimes make the shit times seem less shit.

i hope that if i wasn't related to Al that we'd be friends, he had such a hard life and made a bit a few mistakes but he gives me that lovely family caring and love just for being the person that you are.

thats where I'm going when you guys are going to Charly's exams are over party :) he gunna cheer me up when you guys are partying, I'm sad me and charly aren't friend i can understand why but it's a shame :( for the people who read this that i probably wont see again, you are part of what keeps those of us that don't have the best home lives from feeling unloved and I'll miss you.

thanks guy for the lovely things it says in my signing book thingy <3

I hate this waiting, i've put myself out there I knew I wouldn't get a response but it still hurt.

I like him I really do, I want him to want to be with me.

I don't think he does though.

We'd work I think, At least I'd hope we would.

Lately i've been the worst version of myself. Not the person that you all deserve. For months I was bitching at you guys that you should be nicer to me, well i've skwered that up.

Good people do bad things. And bad people do bad things. I'm not a bad person but I did a terrible thing.

Not only to Ngaio but to everyone else that I hurt. I am truely sorry and theese last weeks i've sliently tought on my actions, my last one I do regret, it'll be the wrose I'll do.

I've changed, I'm not asking forgiveness just a chance to show it.


I love you guys.


He makes my heart squeeze and at the same time feel like it's too big for my chest <3

...

i feel so alone.

so very very alone.

everyone has someone. or even 2.

people aren't ment to be alone.

i can't stand that place.

bad phone calls

that was the worst night of my life.
i cried my heart out.
shaking so hard.
i couldn't breath the last time i cried like that was years ago.
i've been hinding and supressing everything, little bit everyday.
bad stuff doesn't go away, the more you hide it.
ben didn't ask my side, im not sure weather he was going to or just going to side with someone else.
charly wouldn't even look at me, she says she has nothing to say, so either we're just not friends of i've done something wrong.
ngaio is an angel, she understands me and does stand up for me. i love her sometimes i think nowendays she's one of my only true friends.
will is a babe, sweet and kind but only when he knows someone really needs it some he's not being nice because he doesn't know i need his help.
tom is trying to be a good ex but he gets lonely and sometime i kinda feel like it's my fault becuase we got so seuculed when we were together.
bessie is amazing really kind and im very sorry, that i'd hurt her she's special really. nothing more will happen. I'M CHANGING.

fresh start. im cutting out the sex.

because apparently sex is against the law the way people have being reacting.

OVER-REACTION BY A FRACTION

really ?!?!?

is that how little evryone cares ?

i miss you, charly i really do and ben.

i felt so left out at charly's. i would say something and there would be slience and then they're carry on the only normal person there was ngaio and will was being normal. but wills normal is mean and recently a little too mean.

i think people forget i had my heart broken

i was left, broken on the floor all my love poured out, me left in pieces. people forget that. i pretended to bounce back quickly. i pretended i was fine i though i was. then i started liking Kai and everything got excited and i think h e liked me too he just doesn't want to try and i can understand why he would want someone who's still broken. because i still am, i don't love him but he broken that faith i had in me that i was wroth it. so guess what now i gunna lose all my extra fat which i gunna take me and long time and I'm gunna be happy because no one is on my side. i felt like shit after Tom dumped me, like i wasn't worth him. and so yeah i screwed kai. everyone said that i had made him unclean no one asked me if i like him? if he liked me or was it just for sex? was it going anywhere? IF I WAS OKAY? no they just assumed that i was fucking him to make myself felling better by not caring about him.

and why is none of this said to my face and as soon as someone did everyone joined in like they were to scared to tell themselves.

schools hell for me now, no friends, whispers and sitting by myself at lunch times.

i'll miss you guys, i'll try and remember you as friends




please feel free to change how your acting so i can love you guys when im gone. and think about you fondly.

when you smell the rain before it falls. that fleeting second of knowing what your future will hold.

i didn't know what would happen, but know i do i feel better being the person i used to be, she had friends and fun.

i okay and tbh i know that i dont matter to you guys anymore i've gotten over that. people drift a apart. and you guys didn't fight for our friendship and i tried of being ignored, as selfish as that sounds.

if you need me i'll be here but you all would rather go to someone else.

i'll be fine, i found a little faith, in a person and in me. soo yeah you guys sucked but now you guys are he people who didn't care enough.

I'm sorry we're not close, you guys WERE great

thanks guys :(

yeah some of you guys suck.

i do something impulsive for the first time in a year and instead of people being nice and supportive a get funny looks and everyone talk behind my back. yeah thanks

so yay! it got round school about me and will to go now I'm a complete slag.

great, as if school hasn't hard enough without many friends some of maybe friend are talking about me.

i like him, he sweet and lovely what is wrong with what happened ????


seriously uncool.

:'(

WOW! yeah so that was unexpected.. but really nice

he's great, really great lovely and kind.
the whole affire had a feel of first romance, the electrity between two hands barely touching.
by the end of the night i was just our hands that were touching.
i wished we hadn't been tipsy.
i wish i hadn't acted as slaggy as i did.
i want things to be okay, for me and him to be okay.

it kinda my flaut but he was excaltly making it rape.
evryone's looked at me like i'm a whore.
like i made him unclean.

give me a break, i would say it's only sex but not with him, he's not like that. we're not going and thats okay well at least for now. we don't have to have any ties just because we slept together. that being said i like him, i really do. i no he likes other people and so do i, still i see potenoial for some really good times.





much loves

i'll keep you updated

yay!! i got in to redland

yay still i new i would but still it's goo to know

I'm doing psychology sociology English lit and photography

looking forward to it, i just felt that that I'd be good at English lit hopefully i am

i might do a German AS if i can just take the test.

anyway happy i am ! (and I'm so Yoda)

still yay!! good day i lost 1.5 pounds this week wooohoo so that's 11.5 which is 2.5 away form a stone so wish me luck for this week guys.

walked home with Collette I'll miss her i hope i have one lesson in Cotham just to see people, well the people i like it's kinda crap that so many people are going to redland. which means it gunna be just like fairfield and ATM fairfield sucks, very few proper mates a few sorta awkward mates and loads of poeple i dont talk to
so hey.. its only another 2 years right :(

still on positive side nagios party yayayyayayyayay gunna be good i hope theres people coming it should be good :P looking forward to a porper party i haven't been out in ages, and Jess Tess ect.. are going and Libby i haven't seen her outside school in forever, i really like her, sjes really sweet.

anyway umm yeah so just one day at a time right.

looking forward to starting a new one life2, but a party without tom feels like a hug with no arms just sorta odd but I'll get over it. put my ego side and be the best friend i can be to him. i love this part though, i can say whatever about missing tom or feel the bun after being dumped, but when you start SPARKING with a new person i so much fun practically electric.

so don't feel to sorry for me! I'm heading back out there with a patched up heart.


bye bye guys xxxxxx

yeah hi... umm yeah

I'm felling young and reckless

the ribbon around my wrist says
do not open before Christmas.

But there was some about him the made her go weak at the knees with longing.

I picked you up like a virus
Like meningococcal meningitis
Now I can't feel my legs
When you're around I can't get out of bed

your taking theese pills for to fill up your soul and your drinking them down with cheap alcohol.
















well so im at the start again this time with no boy to fall back unto.

(it's not fair to him using him, the last boy is still eating away at my conscience)

still i can't look back it hurts too much, "im not in love winter just wasn't my season" looking forward is still best i think... hopefuly




the future not looking too bad ;) got my eyes some people and tbh it's fun window shopping even if you don't buy




still frist firlting attemtp fail but i didn't prepare properly.:( silly me
like letting him no im single again silly me.


anyway you probs gunna see a return of old Jeannie with slightly less morals and a patched up heart.


could be fun right?!?!



i hope so





i'll let you know my progress xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

so guys .....

so we're broken up ...

realyy is that what we're doing ?

i guess that good

he still doesnt love me

i dont think he's using me but his intentions are no longer honorable

im sad and at the same time i've got almost everything i want.

i can tell he still wants me but...

i thought i'd gotten over all this being used stuff,

is this gunna end the same way ?


if you dont love me please dont act like nothing has changed because everything's changed

and if you do, tell me





:( (U) :(

i loved him..

i loved him and he loved me.

he doesn't

i can't

my friends have been okay, ngaio was the best i love her for caring ans throwing me a party thing, and caring for me but still ad least i got sort of caring from yaz, charly didn't even check i was okay hasn't hugged me or asked how i am, i wish she would just tell me she didn't care so i can stop pinning after my old best friend, i need my best friend. i need a friend atm and i don't have many so please guys, if i ever helped you out ever looked after you when your sad please i can't be abandoned by you too.

im heart broken.

dont leave me too :'(

i suppose i should blog

umm im heart broken and thats about the most of it

it'll hurt for ages

i'll get over it

and then maybe my life can start again

just not sure how long that will take depends if my friend pull their weight and help me out for all the times I've helped them out

:'(

tom

TOMAS MACKAY- 25.06.93

when your in a relationship for a long time its easy to become comfrotable.

im not the most confident person in the whole but the look i get when he see me- it relief love and unhinderd happiness.

he melts my heart with the way he looks at me.<3

when im away from him for too long my heart get sad, personly i can act fine but the piece of me he takes with him subbtracts from my optimism and the world seems less friendly, the unease you feel when you know a stroms is coming in.

but the just as the clouds are threatening to break over my head, his smile is the only thing i can see; he raidates happiness love joy and peace, my head fits right under his chim, my cold noes fnds the hollow you the bottom of his neck as he wrapps his arms around my waist and neck and whispers "heya baby, how was your day?" he'd kiss the top of my head like we'd been doing it for years and like he'll be doing 10 years from now. i'll buiry my face into his neck and tell him he smells of home, where i am isnt that important anymore, i never feel as safe as when i'm with him.

he's what i was missing- my other half

in my head,

how long will it take befor thing fall into place?

me and tom- fine again

me and charly- fine yay!

me and family- getting there

bit still i always feel like everythings still up in the air, like the snows still falling so you dont know what it'll be like in the morning. it could be bright sunshine when you wake up, you'll get the whole day off and everything will feel right; OR all heel could have broken lose. at the monment evrything affects me one tiny little things make me think im doing something wrong, like i'm walking on black ice. im trying my best to be what people need or want but sometimes i think that i shouldn't have to try that hard. you should never judge another persons path because you never know what their struggle is.

one thing that makes me truely sad is David isnt talking to me anymore, i dont even think he knows he doing it, it almost seems unconscience which make it even worse. no matter what happened with me and Jess he was a good friend and for most of the summer one of the best. we were the awsome foursome and we had a great summer. i miss my numpty.

you guys will always be my people and if you guys go off it's a shame ans you'll be sourly missed but if/when your done you could come back. it's my last year and i would really hate to leave it like this. ALONE.AKWARD.AFRAID.

tonight was good

we stayed in,

we drink and we ate and danced a little,

everyone had a bed,

and people actully waited till other people went to sleep befor canoodling.

i love everyone of my friends

and i think lifes looking up


xxx